Words I Never Spoke

The words I never spoke keep badgering my mind. The words I never spoke to you pester me like a persistent bug buzzing at my ears. Bzz bzz bzz ... a constant reminder of my cowardice. My mind refuses to relent until I admit to the words I never spoke. My mind takes me through a journey of possible what if's. What if I'd told him? Then what? What if he did not share the same feelings as I have for him? What if he likes someone else? The reality is that he does like someone and it's not me. He likes someone else and I'm stuck licking my wounds in silence... yet again. He likes someone and it's not me so why tell him? Why make myself look like a fool if all i'm going to get is rejected? Why try, knowing I'd never win his heart? So why then does my heart refuse me the refuge of escaping this travesty? Why does my mind bring up the words I never spoke like a mantra? Over and over it repeats in my head the words I never spoke. So much so that I can no longer keep it in. So here they go...

I ached to tell you what I've been keeping within my heart for so long but I feared what will come of it. So I kept these words tightly locked inside, refusing to speak of it. My heart ached for your acceptance, it yearned to speak of the words kept so rigidly locked within. Yet, with each day I kept mum it beat more fiercely willing its way into existence, knowing that if I never spoke of these words, they would die within.

"I like you. I think I'm falling for you..."

I liked you, though I'd never expected to. I fell for you but it was unrequited and thus I willed my heart to forget you. I fell unexpectedly hard and unknowing of what it meant for me, for my heart. I fell as hard as though I'd stumbled and dropped into a deep dark abyss of uncertainty. A sudden euphoria and fear overcame me with the realization. I fought these feelings for so long because I knew that we would never be. Yet, the heart has a mind of it's own I suppose. With each day my heart grew with this strange clenching feeling. A simple touch from you would set my heart aflutter and send my stomach into rapid tingling sensations. A simple smile would warm me up and melt me into a puddle of emotions. I found my mind wandering through make believe stories of us. I would daydream about sleeping in your arms and waking up to you wrapped around me with our fingers linked across my middle because you could not bear the thought of lying down beside me without holding me. Of course these are the dreams of hopeless romantics living in a fantasyland. But a girl can hope. When it came time to admitting to myself that I did indeed like you, I was reluctant to speak of it. So I said nothing, I tucked away my heart and hid it behind a wall of insecurity. I stood aside in silence and watched as you swept one lucky girl off her feet. As you gave her the world I'd imagined. Then, I knew I'd lost you. My heart clenched in anguish as the realization that I had to let you go became apparent. My heart mourned to be with you but my mind knew I had to move on. Unrequited love is never the favored option and often devastates a blossoming love. So I begin the journey of moving on though I catch myself closing myself off from possibilities. In life you learn that hope, though encouraged and rewarding can at times be devastating as well. I'd hoped for too long when it came to you. It has been said that pain is the only way to happiness. Well how much pain can one endure before their hearts find happiness with their other half? How much pain can one endure until they give up? 'Tis the way of life.

Home is where the heart is. My heart has yet to find its home, so it waits, as the words I never spoke to you finally break free.

~Leelo